Finding happiness inside

Happiness requires something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. (Swahili)


Dear Zayda,

Each of us can decide what happiness means to us.

We can be happy because of what we have, except that human beings never see to have enough. For example, if we have a new car today, we may be happy till we see a state of the art SUV that we think would make us happier still.

We can also be happy because of who we are. Since we are unique and special, we can always tap into ourselves as our source happiness. The challenge is to know who we are and to have the courage to be that person.

So we can add a little to the proverb for today. We might make it read, “Happiness is knowing ourselves to we find something to do, something to love, and something to hope for consistent with the vision we hold of ourselves and our world.”

Let us imagine you see yourself as a writer of children’s stories. You might have something to do as a top buyer of furniture in a big firm. That job might earn you a big salary and allow you to own a home and a car while you are in your early twenties. However, just having “something to do” might not make you happy.

We all need something or someone to love. However, we sometimes love with the hope that the person will love us back. We may expect too much of that person who, after all, has his own life to lead and his own dreams to try to fulfill. In error, we may be relying on that person to fulfill our dreams. We may then turn to something to love, perhaps devoting ourselves to some worthy cause. Love of plants and animals, love of books, cars, and music, may fill the gap for a while. Sometimes for a long while. But if our real yearning is to love another human being, we will need to first learn to love ourselves. Some may say that we cannot truly love even things, until we love ourselves.

Happiness can give us something to hope for, just as something to hope for can give us a feeling of happiness. If we choose to be happy, the world can look good to us even on the dark days. Faith in ourselves can help us to realize that morning always follows night just as spring always follows winter. At the same time, we can make ourselves happy by having a goal to work toward.

If we turn around this Swahili proverb, we can see that an unhappy person is likely to have nothing to do, nothing to love, and nothing to hope for. Usually the person reaches that stage because she has not learned how to love herself. The best gift to that person is not necessarily a job, a mate, or even an animal for a pet. Those may help in the short run. However the person may end up even more unhappy if she loses the things that came from the outside because she did not come to terms with herself inside. The best help is to love the person just as she is, so she can start to see herself as lovable. We may need to hold her hands for a while, being patient with her, till she can take over the job of loving herself. We can best give that help if we already love ourselves.

Happiness is complex, my grandniece. The Swahili are onto something important here, but we may need to add to the advice they give us. Happiness also requires loving ourselves. It needs first of all to be an inside job.

Blessings,

Your shangazi Nothango (Yvonne)

Courage to be happy

If you hold your anger, it will kill all your happiness. (Gullah)

Dear Zayda,

I hope you will learn that it’s all right to be angry and show it. When I was growing up, lots of us got punished for showing that we were angry, so we decided to make ourselves feel safe by holding the anger. Adults praised us for being quiet and well-behaved. When we got older, we were praised for getting along well with others because we always tried to agree even if we didn’t feel like it. And then we wondered why we didn’t feel happy.

The anger goes someplace if we don’t express it, and sometimes it takes hold of our hearts. Our feelings go into a deep freeze, and that means good feelings as well as the feelings others tell us are not good.

Holding our anger can mean we store it up and take it out on ourselves or on others. When people go to war against themselves, they are almost bound to get sick. Sometimes, to make themselves feel better, they try to make others feel bad about themselves. In Jamaica, some of the anger shows as violence. People harm each other for reasons that don’t seem to make sense. For example, people in Jamaica can get badly hurt or worse because they disagree with someone over how to vote or even how to cook a meal.

When you express your anger, my grandniece, realize this is your feeling. No one else is responsible for your feeling, even though we are all tempted to blame others. If you take responsibility, then you have a chance of healing your anger. Often there is some past hurt that jumps out when you hear certain words, or when someone acts in a certain way. The more you hold in the anger, is the more the other person’s words or actions can control your feelings about yourself. We get peace when we realize that other person’s words or actions don’t have to affect us. The other persons are probably dealing with their own anger feelings that they are holding.

You may find that boys who get angry, have a fist fight, and then perhaps become friends. They didn’t hold back their anger, and they gave themselves a chance of happiness with a new friend. Mostly, girls are not allowed to fight with their fists, so at times they show anger with their tongues. Men do that as well, when they don’t have the chance to let out their anger directly, or the courage to confront the person who angers them.

We can safely let our anger out by speaking honestly about our feelings, and by listening to others express their feelings. We can respect and accept feelings for where they usually come from – how we are taught to look at our world.

Laughter helps to relieve anger, and Jamaicans are great at finding humor in serious matters. But laughter can also harm us and others.

If ever you are tempted to laugh at someone, Zayda, please think again. Perhaps a child in your class looks different, dresses differently, speaks differently, or acts differently. Others may make jokes at this child’s expense, and the rest of the class may laugh as well. Sometimes we laugh even though we are uncomfortable, because we know one day we can be the butt of the cruel jokes as well. We might not want to stand up for the person because taking a stand for that unpopular child might make us unpopular as well. We might not want to risk seeming different or sensitive to others’ feelings.

But this is what I would like you to remember. People who try to put others down are usually feeling angry at themselves and others. Or they want to look witty and cool, even while they are harming someone. They may not have the nerve to be playground bullies, but they can always use words to pick on others behind their backs.

If you feel uneasy even as you try to laugh, then you need to respect the feeling of unease. If you have been in the habit of expressing your feelings, you can say you feel uneasy without blaming anyone for your own feeling. If you value your own dignity, you need to stand up for the dignity of others. At the very least, you can move away from those who are putting down another person. You don’t have to be their friends unless you like what they do. You definitely don’t have to laugh at jokes that cause you any discomfort.

We need to be happy first with ourselves, and then we can be happy with others. That takes courage, Zayda.

Blessings,

Your shangazi