Letting go of pretence

No matter how long a log stays in the water, it doesn't become a crocodile. (Mali)

Dear Zayda,

We can admire people, and we can even pattern our lives on the lives of others. But only one original exists, and all else are carbon copies.

Singers on talent shows, like American Idol, have weeks when they perform songs by well-known singers. However, they judges are always looking for to see where the performers are bringing their unique talent to the song.

Fantasia, the winner a few seasons ago, sounded to me like Aretha Franklin. If she continued to sound like Aretha, Fantasia could have been no more than an Aretha imitator. She needed to find her own voice and her own personality on stage. Besides, even if she spent a lifetime trying to be Aretha, she would still be Fantasia. She would have failed at being Aretha, and failed at being herself. For the record, Fantasia has been herself, with all the challenges that can come from letting others see us as we are.

Our unqualified success in life is in being our true selves. We can do that better than anyone else.

Howard Daly was a dancer, singer, musician, and personal coach. He loved life and he loved people. A doctor commented that when Howard was on the hospital ward, his presence brought about changes nurses and doctors had never seen in the hospital.

No one is likely to build a monument to Howard. No one is likely to name streets after Howard. He died last weekend without leaving children by blood or any more than basic possessions. But all who knew him have a memory of a person who was true to himself and could therefore be true to others. He brought a sense of peace, because he was at peace with himself.

He was therefore free to show his heart, the unique part of all of us. Sometimes we want to be ourselves, but we are scared that others might see us without the masks that we think protect us. Many times other people have already seen behind the masks, but they may keep up the pretense because that is what they think we want. They may be wearing masks of their own, so the game might be that they leave our mask alone if we leave theirs alone.

Masks serve a purpose. Our ancestors had to wear masks to protect themselves. They had to pretend to be happy so slave-owners would not know they were planning to resist their bondage. Jonkunnu, Carnival, and Mardi Gras allowed people to relieve stress by pretending to be someone or something else. They could say and do things without being seen for who they really were. But no matter how long we wear the mask, we never can become the face of the mask. We may even forget who we truly are and find ourselves faceless.

So, Zayda, if we are a log, let’s be a great log. Let's seek the sunlight since the log that stays in water too long will probably rot. Others may be scared of the log for as long as they fear it is a crocodile, but the secret will be out when the log is exposed as having no scales or teeth or tail. Or life of its own.

My grandniece, you bring the unique you to this life. You have special qualities that your world needs. Mask when you have to or need to. But seek always to free yourself to be yourself.

Blessings,

Your shangazi Nothango (Yvonne)

For Zayda: The Strength in Unity

Cross the river in a crowd and the crocodile won't eat you. (African proverb)

Adinkra symbol for unity in diversity

Dear Zayda,

Many of us talk inside our homes or on the phone with our friends about how Jamaica is to move forward. We have solutions to our problems, but often we talk about what someone else needs to go. For example many people think Bruce Golding should resign as Prime Minister, and then what?

The challenge comes when we need to stop talking among ourselves and act. A lot of us are scared of being punished for acting on what we believe to be true. I saw some of that this week. People told Golding they did not want a leader they could not trust, and he had to say he was sorry even after claiming he had nothing to apologise for. But the next steps looked scary - like insisting that politicians make a habit of listening to the people.

Mostly politicians think they have power over people, but this was one time the people showed their power and the politician had to listen. We can still insist tht our leaders listen to us, but I think people are starting to feel scared of what might happen to them if they go all the way in demanding respect from politicians.

Someone called me to suggest that we have a demonstration to demand that politicians know they have to answer to the people. The idea seemed good, but most people did not want anyone (least of all politicians!) to see them on the side of the road holding up placards. Some may have worried bout what their friends would say about them, especially as better off people in Jamaica almost never take to the streets. The biggest fear, I think, was of violence. Human rights advocates received threats, and a youth activist's car was bombed, apparently because they spoke their minds about Golding's not telling the truth. That fear is real. In fact, all fears are real for those who feel them.

People are not brave because they feel no fear. Mostly they are brave because they act despite their fears. Often their fears make them more alert to possible danger, and so they try to unite with others who think as they do. Fear therefore has a role – it can lead or mislead us.

Right now, a lot of people act as if they want to step back to the bank, after they seemed to be at least putting a toe or two in the water. They may be afraid that the water might be colder and deeper than it looks. They may think people will be unreliable, and might say “I will be there next to you in the crowd crossing the river,” but fail to turn up for the action.

If we really decide to cross the river with crocodiles on the attack, we may need to find others who share our dream. The desire to cross the river will need to be stronger than fear of being eaten. The risk is always going to be there, but if we stay closer together, the crocodile might well swim away to find others who travel alone. And if we keep going, we will be on the other side of the river, rather than always wishing we were there.

Putting action behind our words will not be easy, Zayda. However, if we unite, it will certainly be possible.

Blessings,

Your shangazi