Remembering to mend your own fence first

Do not mend your neighbor's fence before seeing to your own. (Tanzania)

Dear Zayda,

If ever you are a big sister, your mom and dad will expect you to help with the baby. That means you may find yourself protecting someone else even before you can really protect yourself. A lot of us big sisters are asked to do the impossible, and some of us continue doing it all our lives. Our own fences may be broken down, but we think we have to go mend someone else’s fence first.

It may take a lifetime to see that we have a duty to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. Where big sisters feel they have to take care of younger ones, little sisters often get the job of taking care of parents when they get old.

Somehow, boys seem allowed to look about their own fences first. Or better still, boys often have sisters, mothers, wives, and later daughters to mend their fences for them. At work, many men will expect women to continue doing their fence-mending.

A lot of us may shout “unfair” when we get loaded with so many burdens that we don’t look about ourselves. Or we feel guilty if we don’t do what others want us to do.
Many of us suffer in silence, especially when people tell us how wonderful we are to give so much to others.

One of our relatives (let’s call her Sally) is the first of ten children. She was therefore her mother’s right-hand person with caring for nine babies. As soon as Sally got her first job, she stretched her salary so she could rent a house. She wanted enough space for her younger brothers and sisters who came from their home in a country village to work or attend school in the city.

Sally’s sisters and brothers all got married, and most went to live overseas. Sally stayed single. She lived abroad for a few years, and after that she mostly traveled to visit her brothers and sisters and their families. Part of her yearned for a family unit of her own, and she met a man whom she loved. He loved her too, but he was not free to marry her. Still, he wanted her to join him overseas so they could be closer to each other.

By this time, Sally’s parents were too old to live by themselves in the country village. Sally’s brothers and sisters supported their parents with money, but were mostly too far away to offer personal care. So Sally remained in Jamaica to take care of her parents in their last years.

Sally deserves every medal for mending other people’s fences, but what about her own? On the other hand, I may ask myself why I am judging the state of her fence when I have my own to mend.

Like Sally, I am a first child, with habits of mending other people’s fences first. I think I may have even mended people’s fences when they did not ask me to do it. Then I would be surprised when those people were annoyed that I was giving them help they didn’t even ask for. Some might even be rude (and candid!) enough to point to my own broken down fences and advise me to mind my own business.

But it is never too late to learn, and I think I am a better person for mending my fences. If others invite me to help them mend their fences, I can say “yes”. And sometimes I say “no” and let other people get the chance to learn to protect themselves. I am still learning how to accept help from others, but that will come.

If ever you are someone’s big sister, Zayda, I hope you will remember to take care of yourself first so you can take even better care of that younger one.

Blessings,

Your shangazi

Strengthening weak fences

Cow know weak fence to jump over. (Jamaica)

Dear Zayda,

As little as you are, you have a right to protect yourself. You do that by crying out when your needs are not met, when you are hurt or when you are angry.

When you are around two years old, you will learn an important word: “No.” You might say “no” even when others think you should say “yes”, but you are exercising an important right. Grown-ups sometimes allow their fences to be so weak, that they forget how to say “no”.

Cows will know the weak fence and jump over it. One weakness in the fence is when we need other people to approve of us. We will then leave room for people to come into our space and treat it as if it was theirs.

Let us imagine you are old enough to be playing with a ball. Along comes a child who wants to take the ball from you. You can say “no”.

The other child might say “You are mean!” or “Last time I let you play with my marbles, or “I won’t play with you again if you won’t let me have the ball,” or “I am going to tell you dad and he will make you share the ball with me.”

If people can’t just jump over the fence, they will beg, plead, promise, or threaten so as to weaken the fence. No matter what, you still have the right to say “no” if you consider that is the best way to protect yourself.

I am not talking about being mean – that is another issue we will discuss at another time. This is about not doing something that will make you feel angry at yourself, or angry at whoever forced their way over your fence.

Moms and dad need to be very wise to help children to protect themselves so they don’t put themselves in the way of harm. Sometimes “no” is just the child’s way of testing how serious the adults are about discipline. For example,

“Do you want to eat your vegetables?”
“No!”

Or,

“Do you want to do your homework?”
“No.”

Sometimes “no” is not an option, because adults have a responsibility to train children so they become healthy and responsible adults. Still, adults can try to persuade rather than force. So vegetables can be look more attractive and taste better, and children can be invited to share homework problems. Adults need to help children understand that “no” can lead to deeper understanding.

Mostly, however, “no” leads to conflict that the child is almost sure to lose. The child therefore learns, as an adult, not to risk saying “no”. At least, not directly.

So we may learn unhealthy ways of keeping people from jumping over our fences. We may lie or try to get someone else in trouble. We may ignore our feelings, or we may stay away from any kind of contact that could weaken our fences. We may build walls so high and so thick that no one can get in, and we certainly cannot get out.

If we want to be happy, Zayda, we will have boundaries that protect us and yet leave space so others can be close to us. We won’t need to blame others for jumping our fences, because we will make it clear to them where the fences are. If they can't or won't respect our space, we will stay away from them. So we won’t allow anyone to weaken our fences, and we will not feel offended when others say “no” to protect their boundaries.

We will then be free to be ourselves, and to live life to the fullest.

Blessings,

Your shangazi