Women struggle to be female and person

Often a woman struggles to be a person, not just a female. (Ethiopia)

Dear Zayda,

As you grow older, you will probably hear a lot about what little girls are supposed to do and not do. You may wonder how it is that little boys can do all those things and get a smile or a pat that says “That’s my little man!”

Some of us are grown before we realize we don’t know ourselves as persons, even though the rest of the world may consider us as “nice ladies”, “good wives”, “great mothers” and “dutiful daughters”. But, beyond doing what females are supposed to do, we may not know enough about ourselves to celebrate the special gifts we bring to this life.

Most of us never learn to fight, because showing anger is not supposed to be ladylike. Boys thump each other all the time, and that is how some of them break down barriers and get to be friends. For the first ten years of my life, I had brothers and my cousins were all male. When they teased me, what was I supposed to do? As a nice little girl, I guess I should have cried and then complained to an adult. However, I knew that would mean even worse teasing next time. “Tattle-tale” would be added to whatever other names they decided to call me to get me angry.

My dad, to his credit, saw me as a person – just so long as he was not the one I was fighting! He told me to stand up for myself and not rely on others to fight my battles. So I learned how to fight with fists and with words. The result is that my male cousins would refer to me as their favorite female cousin. This was not so much a compliment when I was also their only female cousin, but at least they knew they had to treat me as their equal (at least!).

Perhaps women can be female if their men keep them at home having babies and doing the tasks that the society says females do and real males stay away from. Jamaican males of my dad’s generation would rather starve than be caught cooking a meal; they would rather buy a new shirt than wash and iron their own clothes. Many mothers encouraged their daughters to do all the housework while the boys were free to play cricket and football. And learn how to defend themselves and forgive each other after the fights.

Many Jamaican women today are working in jobs that require them to be persons. Well, up to a point. In Jamaica, as elsewhere, working women find that they are hired because of how they look. Those who fit the female ideal of the times – young, pretty, slim, blonde, light-skinned, and long-haired – can be well ahead of their sisters who are not beauty contest material. Once on the job, women can find themselves given female tasks, no matter the jobs they hold. If there is a meeting, women can find themselves expected to take notes, serve coffee, and leave the serious discussion to the men. A group will criticize a male boss on his qualities as a leader; people are more likely to criticize a female boss on her clothes or hair style.

The problem many women face today is in working the same hours as the males, but still being expected to do all the “female” tasks at home. Thankfully, some men have enough confidence in their manhood to wash, cook, clean, and look after babies alongside spouses or even as single fathers.

The challenge we face is to be the best of ourselves as females and as persons. We need to take care of ourselves so we can look in our mirrors and smile at ourselves because we like what we see. If others admire us as well, so be it, as long as we know we are more than our bodies. We need to learn to say “no” to tasks that ask too much of us, or make us feel as if we are allowing others to trample on us as human beings.

To be a person as well as female is to challenge patterns set by men and supported by women who accept their roles as just female. The road to being a person can feel lonely for a woman. On the other hand, those who deny themselves usually feel an emptiness that no amount of clothes, shoes, make-up, jewellery, or hair weaves can fill.

We can be who we choose to be, Zayda. Please know that I will support you all I can if you choose to express your gifts as a person.

Blessings,

Your shangazi

For Women: Freedom of Body and Mind

Liberate the minds of men and ultimately you will liberate the bodies of men. (Marcus Garvey)

Dear Zayda,

If Garvey is right (and I think he is) we need to free our minds before our bodies can be free. So many of us have a long way to go to consider ourselves free.

Garvey was probably too busy fighting issues of race and class to consider gender. If he were alive today, he might rephrase what he said to include women. But no matter, we will include ourselves.



Let us not forget, however, that there are many in different parts of the world who still do not want women to be liberated in either body or mind. I had a conversation on a radio programme last Sunday with a Muslim sheik last Sunday, and was amazed that he favoured a world where people are not equal. He had a list of all who are better than whom. He thought, for example, that God sees people with university degrees as better than people who can’t read or write, and god-fearing people as better than the godless. The “god-fearing” were the Muslims, and the godless were the non-Muslims. Of course, he believed that God sees Muslims as better than everyone else. The Muslim sheik believed all Jamaica’s crime problems would be solved if we had Sharia law.

Well, grandniece, if ever you hear someone mention Sharia law, you know already what they think about women’s freedom. In Muslim countries with Sharia law, women cannot speak to any man who is not husband or relative, unless a male relative is present. So you can see what that would do to a woman who tries to have a job outside her home. If women give evidence in court, they are considered as half a man. Courts can rule that a woman be given 100 lashes or be stoned to death if she has a relationship with the “wrong” man. Women are not allowed to marry non-Muslim men, but nothing stops men from marrying non-Muslim men.

I told the Muslim sheik that, from the way he spoke, I probably needed to get myself a burqa. This is the Muslim outfit that covers women from head to toe, just allowing them room to see. Control of women’s bodies and clothes is a way of controlling their minds.

So, little girls in many Muslim countries have a far way to go. Some are not allowed to go to school, and they certainly cannot go to schools that any boys attend. If they like sports, men can’t coach them, unless by cell phone at a distance. If a girl from a strict Muslim country wants to be a runner, she must still be fully covered – legs, arms, neck, and head. In some Muslim countries, women are not allowed to vote or drive cars.

It is not only in Muslim countries that women have to liberate their minds and bodies. Countries in the West, who say they follow Christian values, may allow women greater room, except at the top. Christians will say that their God created all equal, but they will still insist that the man must be the head of the household. In some churches, women are not allowed to hold leadership positions except in the Mothers’ Union.

What the law does in some Muslim countries, ridicule and isolation can do in countries where women are supposed to be free. For example, women who hold or want to hold top positions can find all kind of roadblocks. They can be accused of acting like men, wanting to wear the pants, or neglecting their families. People will exaggerate the woman’s weaknesses, real or imagined. They can be criticized for their hairstyle of the clothes they choose to wear. The result is that few women aim for positions as powerful as President of the United States of America.

However, Muslim girls manage to find freedom even when they can barely show their faces. Women risk their lives to be themselves, to go to school, to wear designer clothes under dresses that look like shrouds, to marry whom they like, and to work in meaningful jobs. If their minds are free, they know they are free, Sharia law or not.

In our countries, Zayda, we can be free as well. We can take no notice of the pressure to let men tell us what to do, what to wear, what to say, what lower-level jobs to fill and leave the more profitable jobs for the men.

We have a way to go to free our minds, but only we can enslave ourselves.

Blessings,

Your shangazi