Families crossing life's rivers together

A distant relative can help you cross a river. (Ethiopia)

Dear Zayda,

I learned the value of extended family when I lived in Ghana. At first I wondered that one person could have so many sisters and brothers, uncles and aunts. I could understand Jacob whose father had eight wives and who had 56 brothers and sisters. Then later I found out that “brothers” and “sisters” could be distant relatives in the same age group. “Uncles” and “aunts” could be distant relatives who were elders. Sometimes, as in Jamaica, “uncles” and “aunts: were connected by friendship rather than blood.

In Ghana, relatives help each other. When I lived in Accra, I knew of no old people’s homes or children’s homes. A family would be ashamed to have strangers look after their loved ones. I grew up in a Jamaica where I do not recall seeing street people, let alone street children. Households always seemed to find space for another person, even if there was not a lot of money around.

We had a relative, Aunt Beth, who was my model of a family member with a loving heart. She adopted thirteen children whose parents left Jamaica to find better jobs. Aunt Beth’s adopted children saw her as their “real” mother, and she treated them all as if she had given birth to them. To everyone’s surprise, Aunt Beth became pregnant after 25 years of childless marriage.

Many Jamaicans used to take in children who might otherwise be unable to “cross a river”. A child would join a household to help with chores. In return the family would treat the child as a family member, and send the child to school. The down side with this system is seen today in Haiti with the “restavecs”. These are children who are sent to live in better-off households and are treated more like slaves.

In families, we need to be willing to give and receive help from each other. Problems arise when each person looks out for himself or herself only. Families break up when relatives treat each other like bank accounts where they withdraw but do not lodge. The focus becomes money rather than love. So younger relatives might value elders only because of what they may leave behind when they die.

When family members stop caring for each other, they may miss out on help in crossing life’s rivers. The young may need to know that others have crossed these rivers before, and survived. In addition, elders may miss the chance to help the young to see that life means more than money.

You will have many rivers to cross in this life, my grandniece. But there is never any reason for you to cross the rivers alone.

Blessings,

Your shangazi

Remembering to mend your own fence first

Do not mend your neighbor's fence before seeing to your own. (Tanzania)

Dear Zayda,

If ever you are a big sister, your mom and dad will expect you to help with the baby. That means you may find yourself protecting someone else even before you can really protect yourself. A lot of us big sisters are asked to do the impossible, and some of us continue doing it all our lives. Our own fences may be broken down, but we think we have to go mend someone else’s fence first.

It may take a lifetime to see that we have a duty to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. Where big sisters feel they have to take care of younger ones, little sisters often get the job of taking care of parents when they get old.

Somehow, boys seem allowed to look about their own fences first. Or better still, boys often have sisters, mothers, wives, and later daughters to mend their fences for them. At work, many men will expect women to continue doing their fence-mending.

A lot of us may shout “unfair” when we get loaded with so many burdens that we don’t look about ourselves. Or we feel guilty if we don’t do what others want us to do.
Many of us suffer in silence, especially when people tell us how wonderful we are to give so much to others.

One of our relatives (let’s call her Sally) is the first of ten children. She was therefore her mother’s right-hand person with caring for nine babies. As soon as Sally got her first job, she stretched her salary so she could rent a house. She wanted enough space for her younger brothers and sisters who came from their home in a country village to work or attend school in the city.

Sally’s sisters and brothers all got married, and most went to live overseas. Sally stayed single. She lived abroad for a few years, and after that she mostly traveled to visit her brothers and sisters and their families. Part of her yearned for a family unit of her own, and she met a man whom she loved. He loved her too, but he was not free to marry her. Still, he wanted her to join him overseas so they could be closer to each other.

By this time, Sally’s parents were too old to live by themselves in the country village. Sally’s brothers and sisters supported their parents with money, but were mostly too far away to offer personal care. So Sally remained in Jamaica to take care of her parents in their last years.

Sally deserves every medal for mending other people’s fences, but what about her own? On the other hand, I may ask myself why I am judging the state of her fence when I have my own to mend.

Like Sally, I am a first child, with habits of mending other people’s fences first. I think I may have even mended people’s fences when they did not ask me to do it. Then I would be surprised when those people were annoyed that I was giving them help they didn’t even ask for. Some might even be rude (and candid!) enough to point to my own broken down fences and advise me to mind my own business.

But it is never too late to learn, and I think I am a better person for mending my fences. If others invite me to help them mend their fences, I can say “yes”. And sometimes I say “no” and let other people get the chance to learn to protect themselves. I am still learning how to accept help from others, but that will come.

If ever you are someone’s big sister, Zayda, I hope you will remember to take care of yourself first so you can take even better care of that younger one.

Blessings,

Your shangazi

Preventing injury from sharpened knives

Being involved in conspiracy can backfire; too much sharpening of the knife can result in cutting oneself. (Ethiopia)

Dear Zayda,

Families can choose to be happy. On the other hand, they risk unhappiness when they allow anything to turn them against each other. Some of the worst wars occur when family members sharpen knives for each other.

Sometimes children get caught up when those they love begin cutting each other. As a child, you will find it difficult to tell the grownups to behave themselves and not bring you into their quarrels. It will probably be easier to go along with those who are closest to you, those whom you think you need most to protect you. But warring adults seem to forget that sharp knives will cut even a small child who has nothing to do with the war.

You can expect people you love to have differences. Sometimes they differences can be so deep, that these people may stop talking to each other. They may want to have you on their side. When you are little, you may have no choice but to believe what adults say about each other. However, as you grow older, you will need to learn to trust yourself and make your own judgments. One important way to judge is not to judge at all until you can hear all sides of the story.

People sharpen knives for each other for many reasons. They may be afraid of those who look or act different; they may be jealous of someone who is popular; they may be afraid of someone who seems to have power. Many times, in families, the knives come out over land and money.

When I was a child, my dad didn’t have much money. He didn’t seem to be able to hold on to jobs and keep his pride as a Black man. And he didn’t seem to have much luck doing business (shop keeping, farming) on his own. He always loved the land, and he began to make money when he went into real estate. Life was hard when he was struggling to pay the bills, but in those years he and his siblings were close. For example, my father, his four sisters and their families would meet at least three times over the Christmas Season. We would come together at one home for Christmas dinner and at another home on Boxing Day. On the first Sunday of each year, we would all meet in Bellas Gate where my father and his sisters were born. The ritual fell apart when the family as a whole seemed better off.

There may have been many reasons for the splitting up of the family, but money features as a reason that knives started to be sharpened. I need you to note that money can also bring a family together, and we could do more of that in Black families. Instead, too often we cut ourselves by not working together for the good of all of us.

I often got caught in the middle of the conspiracies. If I refused to join in sharpening knives, one side or the other would decide I could not be trusted. Some knives would then be sharpened against me. You can see what a mess this can make. It is interesting that sometimes when family members wanted to put down a knife, they would come to me to ask me to help to make peace.

No matter what, the sharpened knives would cause hurt. I wanted my mother’s parents to be at my wedding, but that meant one side had to put down their knives for that day. By the time I persuaded the fighters to have a truce, the wedding date had almost arrived. My grandparents thanked me for the invitation when they finally got it, but decided not to attend my wedding. I knew they loved me, but they didn’t want to feel they were walking into a war to get to the wedding. So the sharpened knives can cut even those who are trying to end the quarrel.

So, grandniece, try as best you can to stay away from those who sharpen knives for others. Keeping your heart loving and peaceful might not always be easy, but it will be your best protection.

Blessings,

Your shangazi